QUERY:

Duh.... What's a "lens hood" used for?
  Thanks in advance,
   Olivia
   totally new at this

ANSWER:

A "lens hood" is a creep who hangs around dark alleys, mugging photographers passing by and taking their lenses.  These guys can normally be spotted from the stream of crying folks running away, sobbing over their cameras now deprived of the principal optical component.

These "lens hoods" are bad guys and are much to be shunned.  The American Photographic Association used to mark their hang-outs in red on APA maps but, with new urban transport on the scene, such as hi-tech scooters and the like, it is impossible to say from minute to minute where they will strike.

As "lens hoods" have a phobia against cameras, one sure solution is to superglue the lenses to your camera.  This foils them, every time.

The Hill District in Pittsburgh, Mission Street in San Francisco, the Waterfront in Cleveland ... these are all places to be avoided.

Query:

I just came back from a photo shoot trip to San Francisco, and it rained while I was there while Portland was dry! 

Why does it rain everywhere I go?

Answer:

Because you are carrying a camera.  Several studies have shown a strong correlation between cameras and the low-pressure systems that produce rain.  For example, when photographers gather to take pictures of an important, one-of-a-kind outdoor event, often the concentration of cameras actually produces precipitation.  There doesn't seem to be any way to counteract this effect, which still mystifies scientists.  I've seen it myself on many occasions.

Aggravating factors include attractive scenes, once-in-a-lifetime shooting opportunities, and expensive equipment.  Any or all of these in conjunction with the presence of a camera can dramatically increase the chances of a rainstorm.  The best way to avoid rain (short of leaving your camera at home, which always works) is to look for boring scenes, or pictures that you can shoot again and again any old time; another option is to use really cheap equipment that takes rotten photos but resists water effortlessly--this always keeps the sky dry.

A photographer asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his photographs on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."

"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your photographs."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.

"What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor..."

Q:  What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
       
A:  Polaroids.

I once had a dog that only had three legs ... named him "Tripod."

Now for some photographer humor (I hope.)  (True story)  I was in a board room with some executives that wanted a group shot.  We were waiting for one that was late.  I was standing there holding my Fuji when he burst into the room, looked at me with my camera and exclaimed "My God, you've got a big one!"  I replied "Thank you for noticing.  Now, what do you think of my camera?" Brought the house down!  Almost ruined my shoot, because I couldn't get them to stop giggling.

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so she frantically called her home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" she was assured by her editor.
As soon as she got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway.

She jumped in with her equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"
The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." 

"Why?" asked the pilot. 

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. 

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage.

It was a beautiful day....fall colors, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.

While snapping shots, the atheist heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running....... and looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him. He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the atheist saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw...... and the atheist cried out, "Oh, God, no!"

And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the atheist heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you doubted my very existence, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you.  Why should I do so?"

And the atheist thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life.  But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done."

And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw.

And the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat."

Did you hear about the new Japanese camera?
It's so fast it can catch a politician with his mouth closed.

Digital Camera For Sale:

A friend of mine is in the hospital and will be in there for a while. He doesn't need this camera and could use the cash to pay bills.

Attached is the last picture taken with the camera so that you can see the quality.
Thanks,
John

Click here for picture.

Spray painting a picture on the side of a wall is called "graffiti" and "vandalism".  The person who did it can be fined $100's of dollars.

Taking a photograph of the "graffiti" is called "art".  The photographer can win $100's of dollars at a photo competition.

HUH???

ONE day a woman called our photo studio and asked if we could remove the hat her husband was wearing in a particular portrait. We explained it was possible, but very expensive, and suggested having a new photograph taken rather than retouching. She was determined, however, to have the portrait altered. Before proceeding, we had to know how her husband had styled his hair, and asked if she could send us a photo to give us something to copy. "That won't be necessary," she replied. "You'll be able to see his hair when you take his hat off''

As a portrait photographer I encountered many children who were less than enthusiastic about getting their pictures taken. This prompted me to figure out some tricks that would make the job easier. One of these was "Molly the Mouse," a small, stuffed toy that I would hold up to the side of the camera. The child was told that Molly would take the picture, and I would jiggle the mouse with one hand as I pressed the shutter-release button with the other. This trick would enthrall most children long enough for me to get a good set of pictures. One little girl, whose pre-Molly portraits were unsatisfactory, made a return visit. With the help of Molly the Mouse, the sitting proved most successful. When the prints were ready, the mother, accompanied by her daughter, came to pick them up. "Aren't they nice?" She cooed to the child. "Oh, yes," came the reply. "The mouse is a much better photographer than that man."

MY FATHER had a roll of black and white film that needed developing and he asked me to find a laboratory that would do it without delay. I started to telephone around and on my third call had the following conversation: "Hello?" said the voice on the other end of the line.   "Yes, hello there," I said. "Do you have a black and white lab on the premises?"  There was a brief pause. "Well, no, but we do have a Springer spaniel.  Is that good enough?"

WHEN I took up photography, I bought the best camera I could find. The first time I used it in a mountain park, I accidentally snapped a couple of pictures while fumbling with the pamphlets, the buttons, and all the adjustments. Irritated by this, I conscientiously read through all the instructions and finished the roll with great confidence. When I took it in to be developed I also asked the clerk to comment on the pictures.  Several days later I picked up the film and found a note attached to the package: "Keep doing whatever you did for the first couple of pictures. They were great."

THERE were so many people lining the sidewalks to view a passing parade that I despaired of ever getting a clear photograph. After making several unsuccessful tries, I noticed a woman focusing her lens directly at the heads in front of her. I was about to warn her that the shot was impossible when she screamed, "Everybody duck! "  Spectators around and in front of her complied, giving her a clear view of the parade. She then thanked the bewildered crowd and walked away with possibly the best photo of the day.

IT WAS a large wedding party, and afterwards the photographer took a long time getting family groups together for pictures. The groom sat by me, waiting with barely concealed impatience. "Now I'd like to get the bride alone," the photographer finally announced.  Leaning towards me, the groom whispered, "So would I!"

ONE day a woman came to my photography studio with her ten-year-old son and asked me to take passport-size photos of him. When I had finished, she had the boy change his jacket and asked me to take a second set of photos. Intrigued, I asked her why she had had him change clothes. "I have identical twin boys," she replied, "and the other one hates having his picture taken. When they need identification photos, I bring in this son and a second jacket, so anyone looking at the photos can tell them apart."

MY FATHER is a practical joker, so when a photographer specializing in family portraits phoned him, he said, "I'm sorry, but my son is in jail and my daughter is living with some man in El Monte."  "What about you and the wife, then?" the photo salesman persisted. "I would if I could ever get her sober," replied Dad. "Well," asked the salesman, "don't you have any pets?"

Photographer Works

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townsfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

A Little Bit of Photography Humor...

 Two weeks after my one-year-old's photo shoot, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a color monitor.  The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he spoke so quickly that I couldn't get a word in.

Finally, after we'd seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in. 

"None," I replied. "This isn't my child."

A Moral Question

Assume that you are in the Middle East and have been hired by CNN as a photographer  There has been a terrible flood. Buildings and even whole villages are being washed away. Your are driving around the countryside looking for dramatic photographs when you see Osama bin Ladin in the floodwaters clutching a tree branch  barely hanging on by his finger tips. You know that he will be swept away and drown in a few minutes. You have two choices - You can put your camera down and  save him or take what will surely be a Pulitzer prize winning photograph as he is pulled under the water.

The question is - What lens do you use?

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she
finished her first batch she took the film to be developed.

After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The  clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. She was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said

"Don't worry, someday your prints will come."

The Baby Photographer

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate  father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,  Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

 Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang  the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

 "Good morning madam. I've come to..."

 "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

 "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of  babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a  seat."

 After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

 "Leave everything to me.  I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch  and perhaps a couple on the bed.  Sometimes the living room floor is fun  too; you can really spread out!"

 "Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

 "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.  But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure  you'll be pleased with the results."

 "My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Smith.

 "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and  out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

 "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

 The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his  baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

 "Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

 "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their  mother was so difficult to work with."

 "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

 "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.  People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get  a good look."

 "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes",  the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too.  The mother was  constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate.  Then  darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the  squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs.  Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your,  um...equipment?"

 "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that  we can get to work."

 "Tripod?"

 "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for  me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted!"

1.  The best scenic views are clearly designated by highway signs reading NO STOPPING ANYTIME.

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE A GREENHORN PHOTOGRAPHER
From G.E.Koenig (cp)

9. Your tripod melts while you're photographing a lovely midday scenic

7. Your camera strap is wider than your hair line

5. You discover that your $79.00 600mm Russian lens bears a striking resemblance to your Yugo's exhaust pipe

3. Your prints are so grainy you can sand your furniture with them

AND THE NUMBER 1 SIGN YOU'RE A GREENHORN PHOTOGRAPHER:

If you really look like your passport photo, chances are you're not well enough to travel.

She looks even worse than her passport photo.

Vacation: - When people drive thousands of miles to have their picture taken in front of their cars.

I was a beautiful child. My parents used to have me kidnapped just to see my photo in the papers.

"Honey, what kind of pictures have you been taking that you have to develop them in the dark?"

A picture of a girl in a bikini is not a snapshot - it's an exposure!

Q: What is there you can not take with a camera?

A: A hint.

I'm starting to make loads of money with my camera. I took a picture that a man paid me $100 to destroy.

A:  Fifty.  One to change the bulb, and forty-nine to say, "I could have done that!"

There was this photographer in one of the most remote parts of the African continent on an assignment. He came across a primitive village where the residents were living in thatched huts and wearing colorful primitive garments. He approached a man who appeared to be the chief who was wearing a large headdress made of woven hemp and colorful feathers. The photographer, not knowing how to speak to him, pointed to his camera then to the chief. The chief nodded. As the photographer was taking a meter reading the chief said "today use f/16 at 1/125 for ISO 100 film".

Photographic - Using foul language during the photo shoot.

Photomontage - A double-exposure. "Ah...Yes, I meant to do it like that!"

Photochemistry - The relationship between a photographer and client.

Photocopy - One photographer copies another photographer's work.

Photoelectric - When the safelight falls into the fixer. A shocking development.

Photocell - Where a photographer is put when he is guilty of bad lighting, poor focus and sick jokes.

Photoflood - When the darkroom sink backs up.

Photogram - The exact weight of an 8x10 inch print.

Photo Journalist - A photographer who buys Playboy and never reads the articles.

Photomechanical - One who can build sets, fix props and stick anything together with gaffers tape.

Photo Sensitive - Photographers who can't take criticism.

Photostat - When the client absolutely, positively needs the film overnight.

Polaroids - Type of hemorrhoids common only to photographers.

Positive - The photographer's attitude when the client has cash up front.

Negative - The photographer's attitude when the client demands "Any and all rights".

4-Color - The number of rolls of color film it takes to get the correct exposure.

Models - Exactly that. 'Models' of real people, not to be confused with the real thing.

Stock Photo - A photo of a cow.

Colour - How Europeans see color.

Processing - Up all night thinking about the next day's assignment.

Viewfinder - Photographer's car windows, while looking for that perfect location.

Development - A photographer's formative years.

Lens Aberration - What some people think of the results achieved by "fine art" photographers.

Shutter - A symptom of a photographer's anxiety when "the check is in the mail" for weeks.

Camera Stand - A road-side enterprise that sells fresh fruit, vegetables & camera equipment.

Natural Light - Type of beer preferred by all photographers.

Available Light - The type of lighting a photographer claims he must use when he realizes that he didn't pack a sync cord.

Primary Colors - Khaki and Denim. The only colors in a photographers wardrobe.

Replenisher - A break for snacks and drinks in the middle of a rough day of shooting.

Exposure - What a photographer hopes he will get after spending $25,000 for a 4-page Black Book ad.

Constant Agitation - What a photographer feels when his assistant just exposed the entire day's film.

Albumen-on-Glass A photographic process similar to the cream-cheese-on-rye process that early photographers used.

Lens Hood - Robin Hood's cousin who took photos of the rich and sold them to the National Enquirer.

Auto-Exposure - Cheating. But nice to have.

Auto-Focus - Really cheating. But very nice to have.

Auto-Load - Laziness. But nice to have.

Auto-Rewind - Really lazy. But really nice to have.

Bellows - How a photographer calls his assistant after realizing that the assistant forgot to pack the film.

Bellows Extension - The same photographer in the above example but using a bull horn to get his assistant's attention.

Twin lens reflex - What Paparazzi photographers must use when shooting angered celebrities.

Blur - What a photographer sees when the client says, "Lets try ONE MORE from over here".

Boom Stand - Specialized equipment designed to be at exactly the correct height so the models and clients will hit their head.

Fixer - The photographers assistant... hopefully!

Flare - Refers to a photographer's own personal sense of artistic style.

Freelancer - Photographer without health insurance and retirement plans. Grain - A food that photographers eat daily to decrease reciprocity failure.

Hypo - The fifth Marx Brother, his hobby was photography.

Reproduction Dupes - Photographers who believe "The check is in the mail".

Zone System - Zen meditation photography.

Photo Finish - The end of a long shoot day

ANSWER:  The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.